Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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