i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have fence marks all over my body
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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