but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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