Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
