first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
