my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
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I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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