I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
