You're my little dorito
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.