end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
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Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising