I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her