You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
