he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
