so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
