Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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