Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
