I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
