You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i think my cat just said my name.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
