Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
