I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
