Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
