a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
