someone owes me an orgasm
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
