Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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