btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
