I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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