You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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