His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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