"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
