Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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