He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
