Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
