i can't believe i had my finger in that
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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