The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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