i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
