I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
