...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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