I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
