you traded sex for a burrito?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize