All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Four minutes until I can fart!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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