saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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