can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
