My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
