at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
