sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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