I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
