We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
