also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
