i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
