By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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