Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im about as happy as oj after his trial
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
