I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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