I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
