just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
