If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
