Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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