I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
