It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
