i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
