Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
