I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
