i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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